Trying to define a keeper is kind of like the old definition of porn, you can’t define it, but you know it when you see it. In fact, when out in public, it is a lot easier to define who is not a keeper. You have no doubt seen these losers and douchebags, they are everywhere. The guys who peaked the summer after twelfth grade, right before they went to work at dad’s used car lot.
Bars, casinos, and Japanese steak houses are some of their favorite habitats. You can notice them a mile away, the product induced fauxhawk hairdon’ts, the spray on tan, and general douchiness. The following is a list of deal breakers, run, don’t walk, away from….
Popped collars….Really? Elvis and Dracula get a pass on this one. Unless you’re taking one of those icons home to meet the parents, this is a deal breaker.
Bandanas…..Either on the head, doo rag style, or tied around an arm or leg. Doo rag style means that he likes the bald look. He just doesn’t want to finally cut his rapidly receding memories of the glory days, otherwise known as Seaside High, senior year. Bandanas tied around a wrist or knee? Okay, Bon Jovi it’s not 1988 anymore.
Sunglasses, at night, indoors..... Unless your name is Stevie Wonder, or you’ve been going hard since the afternoon, and haven’t made it back to your car, there is no logical excuse for sunglasses at night. Okay, Playa, we know you have some $400 shades. We also know that your mom probably got them for you for your last birthday, after you wore her down.
Extreme Hair-dos….The blow out, fauxhawk, oversculpted bed-head, razor cut designs, excessive (read any) greasiness, and Caucasian cornrows, or afros. Along with frosted tips, and highlights, including any unnatural colors. Parrots have blue and yellow plumage, not guys. Sure, they’re going for that cool vibe of, “Hey, look at me! I’m an irreverent, fun loving guy.” But, in reality it screams, “I’m a juvenile, and I hope some drunk chick thinks my hair is cool.”
Tattoos…..I’m not talking about the military insignia types. I’m speaking of the stars, Chinese lettering, tribal bands, cartoon characters, sports team logos, and that “full sleeve” nonsense (unless he was a Hell’s Angel doing twenty plus in Sing-Sing). On the other hand I guess you could make an argument for the dude’s life long commitment, through ink, as his one redeeming factor.
Facial piercings….Seriously, the guy with the hardware in his lips, nose, eyebrows, just may be the biggest mystery on this list. Are they that starved for attention and affection? Earrings on men aren’t that much better, either. Again, why? Oh, you’re a rebel.
Excessive jewelry….This dude looks like a shiny fishing lure trolling for trout. Bracelets, rings, and gold chains/ crucifixes worn outside of a pullover shirt. Unless you’re a credited cast member of ‘The Sopranos’, tone it down, Frankie.
Body spray…..the sickeningly sweet aroma of Axe body spray, that arrives thirty seconds before he does, is an early warning signal to females. Heed the warning, girls. If any man over 15 years old is still wearing this odious syrup they are beyond your help.
Other first sight flight cancellations…..
Leather pants. Unless his name’s Alice Cooper, and then you probably still don’t want him to meet your parents.
Bowtie…..This guy is more trouble than he’s worth. Quirky? No. More like crazy. Think of the coolest celebrity you know that wears a bow tie. I rest my case.
Painted nails….Attention whore. Keep moving.
Sandals/Flip flops…..Acceptable anywhere within two blocks of the beach. Also, maybe, your backyard or a park. No one wants to be subjected to a man’s bared toes and feet at a bar, restaurant, or anywhere else that civilized people gather. And, no, wearing jeans does not make them okay.
This is by no means a complete list of how to spot a loser a hundred feet away. And, there may be circumstances whereby a keeper will actually exhibit one of these traits. After all, Brad Pitt has highlighted hair, and Chris Rock wears an earring, but save yourself some time and trouble with this early detection guide.
***Another excerpt from a book I'm writing. All feedback is welcome and may be included.***
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