The End of the Year Awards

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"Hello, and welcome to the first annual "End of the Year" awards, or 'Endies', live from Hanahan's Pub in beautiful uptown Hanahan, South Carolina. Your host is Gene Haddock, a reknown motorsports blogger with literally dozens of followers. Co-hosting is Mike Hanner, a private eye from Charlotte who may find it hard to keep his vow of sobriety since the show is coming from a bar. Also on hand, because union rules demand a three man booth, is CountryJag. We understand that CJ has not been heard from since being banned by Foxsports almost two years ago. Certainly he doesn't harbor any ill will towards the fine folks at Fox. This is Don Pardo speaking."

Gene: Hey, hey, welcome to the 'Endies', folks. And welcome to Hanahan's Pub, you guys in the audience. Little tip, just stick with the hot wings, don't be ordering off the menu, this ain't no five star joint. And, welcome to my co-hosts, CJ and Hanner. Long time no see, Jag. You too, Hanner.

Hanner: Yeah, well I haven't been out in the bars like you, lately.

CountryJag: Yes, me too. I've actually been severely depressed since being dissed by the fine folks at Fox.

Gene: Alright. Good times, boys! Let's get this candle lit! Our first 'Endie' goes out to the best "Junior" in the Cup Series 2009.

Hanner: Be nice. He saved my ass, you know.

Gene: I just read what's on the card.

CJ: Yeah, but you write it first.

Gene: The nominees are Dale Earnhadrt Jr with 5 top-10 finishes, Sam Hornish Jr with 7 top-10s, and Martin Truex Jr with 6 top-10 finishes. Let me open this up. Wow! Even though he had the least top-10 finishes and finished lower in the points than Truex, the winner is Dale Jr!

CJ: The results must be based on some sort of formula for tee shirt sales.

Gene: Or, like the Most Popular Driver, results don't factor into the equation at all.

Hanner: Hey, knock it off. He's a nice guy!

Gene: Little E couldn't be here to accept his award, so we'll give it to a friend of his to pass along. Dr V, could you see that Dale Jr gets his 'Endie'?

Gene: Okay, our next 'Endie' is for the "Most Overhyped Story in Racing". Our nominees are "Mayfields, Mother-in-Laws, and Meth". "The Emperor's New Clothes....the Brian France Story". And, finally, "The Girl who's Coming to Save NASCAR, Danica Patrick".

Oh, goody. I bet you like that Danica, huh Hanner?

Hanner: Hell no. It can't be a good thing when folks can't tell the difference between your date and a 12 year old. Now, where is that cocktail waitress?

CJ: Way to go Haddock, only took you 20 minutes to knock him off the wagon.

Gene: Ahem, and the 'Endie' winner is, Danica Patrick! Unfortunately Danica couldn't be here tonight, she's off branding, or marketing, or shooting a commercial or something. So, after we bought ten boxes of cookies in the parking lot, here to accept Danica's 'Endie' is a 12 year old Girl Scout.

CJ: Damn! If she was four inches shorter, she'd look just like Danica!

Hanner: I told you.

Gene: Okay folks, the owners have asked me to tell you that they do sell alcohol, and if I may add, this show will seem a lot better after a few pops. Right Hanner? Hanner? Where the hell did he go?

CJ: He's over there doing shots with the waitress.

Gene: Alright, this next 'Endie' is one of my favorites. The 2009 'Endie' for "Wrecker Without a Clue". The nominees are Brad Keselowski vs Justin Algaier. Brad Keselowski vs Kyle Busch. Brad Keselowski vs Carl Edwards. Brad Keselowski vs Jason Leffler. Brad Keselowski vs Anything that Moves. Brad Keselowski vs Denny Hamlin.

CJ: Gee, I wonder who wins this?

Gene: And the 'Endie' winner is....

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{A Go Daddy Monte Carlo comes crashing through the front wall and ends up at the base of the stage. Smoke and carnage from broken chairs and tables are everywhere.}
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Gene: . What the hell!!!
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CJ:Damn! All three of them are in there and they don't look happy. Let's get the hell out of here, Hanner can take a punch.
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"Thanks for watching the 2009 'End of the Year" awards here on El Ocho, ESPN 8. Goodnight and be sure to use our sponsor, GoDaddy.com, for all of your, your, well whatever they sell, those needs. This has been Don Pardo speaking."

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