Sunday, December 27, 2009

Man's Game, Random Excerpt

Trying to define a keeper is kind of like the old definition of porn, you can’t define it, but you know it when you see it. In fact, when out in public, it is a lot easier to define who is not a keeper. You have no doubt seen these losers and douchebags, they are everywhere. The guys who peaked the summer after twelfth grade, right before they went to work at dad’s used car lot.

Bars, casinos, and Japanese steak houses are some of their favorite habitats. You can notice them a mile away, the product induced fauxhawk hairdon’ts, the spray on tan, and general douchiness. The following is a list of deal breakers, run, don’t walk, away from….

Popped collars….Really? Elvis and Dracula get a pass on this one. Unless you’re taking one of those icons home to meet the parents, this is a deal breaker.

Bandanas…..Either on the head, doo rag style, or tied around an arm or leg. Doo rag style means that he likes the bald look. He just doesn’t want to finally cut his rapidly receding memories of the glory days, otherwise known as Seaside High, senior year. Bandanas tied around a wrist or knee? Okay, Bon Jovi it’s not 1988 anymore.

Sunglasses, at night, indoors..... Unless your name is Stevie Wonder, or you’ve been going hard since the afternoon, and haven’t made it back to your car, there is no logical excuse for sunglasses at night. Okay, Playa, we know you have some $400 shades. We also know that your mom probably got them for you for your last birthday, after you wore her down.

Extreme Hair-dos….The blow out, fauxhawk, oversculpted bed-head, razor cut designs, excessive (read any) greasiness, and Caucasian cornrows, or afros. Along with frosted tips, and highlights, including any unnatural colors. Parrots have blue and yellow plumage, not guys. Sure, they’re going for that cool vibe of, “Hey, look at me! I’m an irreverent, fun loving guy.” But, in reality it screams, “I’m a juvenile, and I hope some drunk chick thinks my hair is cool.”

Tattoos…..I’m not talking about the military insignia types. I’m speaking of the stars, Chinese lettering, tribal bands, cartoon characters, sports team logos, and that “full sleeve” nonsense (unless he was a Hell’s Angel doing twenty plus in Sing-Sing). On the other hand I guess you could make an argument for the dude’s life long commitment, through ink, as his one redeeming factor.

Facial piercings….Seriously, the guy with the hardware in his lips, nose, eyebrows, just may be the biggest mystery on this list. Are they that starved for attention and affection? Earrings on men aren’t that much better, either. Again, why? Oh, you’re a rebel.

Excessive jewelry….This dude looks like a shiny fishing lure trolling for trout. Bracelets, rings, and gold chains/ crucifixes worn outside of a pullover shirt. Unless you’re a credited cast member of ‘The Sopranos’, tone it down, Frankie.

Body spray…..the sickeningly sweet aroma of Axe body spray, that arrives thirty seconds before he does, is an early warning signal to females. Heed the warning, girls. If any man over 15 years old is still wearing this odious syrup they are beyond your help.

Other first sight flight cancellations…..

Leather pants. Unless his name’s Alice Cooper, and then you probably still don’t want him to meet your parents.

Bowtie…..This guy is more trouble than he’s worth. Quirky? No. More like crazy. Think of the coolest celebrity you know that wears a bow tie. I rest my case.

Painted nails….Attention whore. Keep moving.

Sandals/Flip flops…..Acceptable anywhere within two blocks of the beach. Also, maybe, your backyard or a park. No one wants to be subjected to a man’s bared toes and feet at a bar, restaurant, or anywhere else that civilized people gather. And, no, wearing jeans does not make them okay.

This is by no means a complete list of how to spot a loser a hundred feet away. And, there may be circumstances whereby a keeper will actually exhibit one of these traits. After all, Brad Pitt has highlighted hair, and Chris Rock wears an earring, but save yourself some time and trouble with this early detection guide.

***Another excerpt from a book I'm writing. All feedback is welcome and may be included.***


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The End of the Year Awards

"Hello, and welcome to the first annual "End of the Year" awards, or 'Endies', live from Hanahan's Pub in beautiful uptown Hanahan, South Carolina. Your host is Gene Haddock, a reknown motorsports blogger with literally dozens of followers. Co-hosting is Mike Hanner, a private eye from Charlotte who may find it hard to keep his vow of sobriety since the show is coming from a bar. Also on hand, because union rules demand a three man booth, is CountryJag. We understand that CJ has not been heard from since being banned by Foxsports almost two years ago. Certainly he doesn't harbor any ill will towards the fine folks at Fox. This is Don Pardo speaking."

Gene: Hey, hey, welcome to the 'Endies', folks. And welcome to Hanahan's Pub, you guys in the audience. Little tip, just stick with the hot wings, don't be ordering off the menu, this ain't no five star joint. And, welcome to my co-hosts, CJ and Hanner. Long time no see, Jag. You too, Hanner.

Hanner: Yeah, well I haven't been out in the bars like you, lately.

CountryJag: Yes, me too. I've actually been severely depressed since being dissed by the fine folks at Fox.

Gene: Alright. Good times, boys! Let's get this candle lit! Our first 'Endie' goes out to the best "Junior" in the Cup Series 2009.

Hanner: Be nice. He saved my ass, you know.

Gene: I just read what's on the card.

CJ: Yeah, but you write it first.

Gene: The nominees are Dale Earnhadrt Jr with 5 top-10 finishes, Sam Hornish Jr with 7 top-10s, and Martin Truex Jr with 6 top-10 finishes. Let me open this up. Wow! Even though he had the least top-10 finishes and finished lower in the points than Truex, the winner is Dale Jr!

CJ: The results must be based on some sort of formula for tee shirt sales.

Gene: Or, like the Most Popular Driver, results don't factor into the equation at all.

Hanner: Hey, knock it off. He's a nice guy!

Gene: Little E couldn't be here to accept his award, so we'll give it to a friend of his to pass along. Dr V, could you see that Dale Jr gets his 'Endie'?

Gene: Okay, our next 'Endie' is for the "Most Overhyped Story in Racing". Our nominees are "Mayfields, Mother-in-Laws, and Meth". "The Emperor's New Clothes....the Brian France Story". And, finally, "The Girl who's Coming to Save NASCAR, Danica Patrick".

Oh, goody. I bet you like that Danica, huh Hanner?

Hanner: Hell no. It can't be a good thing when folks can't tell the difference between your date and a 12 year old. Now, where is that cocktail waitress?

CJ: Way to go Haddock, only took you 20 minutes to knock him off the wagon.

Gene: Ahem, and the 'Endie' winner is, Danica Patrick! Unfortunately Danica couldn't be here tonight, she's off branding, or marketing, or shooting a commercial or something. So, after we bought ten boxes of cookies in the parking lot, here to accept Danica's 'Endie' is a 12 year old Girl Scout.

CJ: Damn! If she was four inches shorter, she'd look just like Danica!

Hanner: I told you.

Gene: Okay folks, the owners have asked me to tell you that they do sell alcohol, and if I may add, this show will seem a lot better after a few pops. Right Hanner? Hanner? Where the hell did he go?

CJ: He's over there doing shots with the waitress.

Gene: Alright, this next 'Endie' is one of my favorites. The 2009 'Endie' for "Wrecker Without a Clue". The nominees are Brad Keselowski vs Justin Algaier. Brad Keselowski vs Kyle Busch. Brad Keselowski vs Carl Edwards. Brad Keselowski vs Jason Leffler. Brad Keselowski vs Anything that Moves. Brad Keselowski vs Denny Hamlin.

CJ: Gee, I wonder who wins this?

Gene: And the 'Endie' winner is....

{A Go Daddy Monte Carlo comes crashing through the front wall and ends up at the base of the stage. Smoke and carnage from broken chairs and tables are everywhere.}
Gene: . What the hell!!!
CJ:Damn! All three of them are in there and they don't look happy. Let's get the hell out of here, Hanner can take a punch.
"Thanks for watching the 2009 'End of the Year" awards here on El Ocho, ESPN 8. Goodnight and be sure to use our sponsor,, for all of your, your, well whatever they sell, those needs. This has been Don Pardo speaking."